abi's drifting days---- 06205

 

  does it get better? 

"I was unable to shake off the feeling that I had no real right to be here at all, that I was an interloper. I felt more and more uncomfortable, as if I were a criminal."


There is not a single day in 6205 days of staying here where i struggle to find the reason why I still open my eyes in the daytime. 

The world moves around me, it wasnt that long til I realized it does. Its rhythm was annoyingly relentless, perhaps, indifferent. I wake, I breathe, I exist—but not that quite.  Every single day, I watch people carve their places, chase their own stars, go on as if they have something to prove, while I am left behind while lingering at the edges, hesitant, and out of sync. I try to fit in, to find meaning in my days, but the unease lingers like a shadow I can't shake.

Some days, I tell myself it’s just a phase. That maybe tomorrow, or the day after, the weight in my chest will lift, and the question—why am I still here?—will no longer haunt me. But other days, I wonder if the answer will ever come at all.

Does it get better? I wish I knew.

--- insipired by the book 'no longer human' by osamu dazai.